My husband doesn't want to have sex with me?!

Before my husband and I got married we dutifully read quite a few books on marriage. A friend introduced us to Gary Chapman's "The Four Seasons of Marriage". The author eloquently depicts our experience in marriage as ever changing like the seasons. I recall reading this book and thinking, "Oh, my husband and I will NEVER go through winter in our marriage! We love each other too much!" How so innocently naive I was.

I remember the first time my husband did not want to have sex with me. It was though someone had punched me in the stomach leaving me breathless. The rejection I felt in that moment was palpable. I could not understand why my husband, who had just vowed his life to me shy of one and half years ago did not want to ravish my body in that moment? I conceded, rolled over in bed and figured tomorrow was a new day. That one night turned into weeks. I became frantic. The voice of insecurity in my head was deafening. "What's wrong with you???" My heart knew that this was the beginning of a very cold and harsh winter. Over the next few months my husband and I became very cold with one another. Our words, that once uplifted and encouraged one another became tools to tear one another down. I did not know this man. I did not like this man. These thoughts frightened me. How could I feel this way about a man that I chose to spend the rest of my life with? Would I raise our children in a home with someone who I viewed as a roommate? I felt utterly hopeless.

My heart began to harden toward this man who I loved. As much as I loved him I hated him. I began to pray fervently. In this time of quiet reflection I realized that while I was listening to the bitter voices in my head I wasn't listening to my husband. He was struggling. It had nothing to do with me. He had just lost his mother and he desperately needed me. He needed me to give him space. And in that space he needed me to hold him there. Hold him in love. He needed grace. In that instant I had two choices. I could continue on the destructive path of resentment or I could choose to simply love him. In that moment I chose love. I chose to have faith knowing that spring followed winter. What followed this decision was nothing short of a miracle. When I viewed him through love's eyes I was able to see my husband again for the first time in months. I saw that I could diffuse an argument by simply wrapping my arms around him and telling him that I loved him. I saw that this man was strong and resilient. I saw this man for who and what he was and I loved him. Over the next few months I wholeheartedly went out of my way to make him feel loved. He did not respond at first. And yet I continued. I made the choice to actively love him until he had no choice, but to surrender. And he did.  I woke up one morning and I could feel the warmth of spring. There was nothing left to do, but to bask in the heat of love. And we did. We had found each other again and I was more in love with this man than I had ever been.

We have been through a lot in the 7 years we have been married. I am here to tell you that what has bloomed and matured after those hard winters is something I will forever be grateful for. I am most grateful for our first winter. Our experience was triggered by the loss of a loved one. For each individual it is so beautifully different. It taught me to have faith. I learned to ride the icy peaks right into the fields of wildflowers. When love and faith are the cornerstone for your marriage nothing is permanent. The ebbs and flows are normal. They are to be celebrated. For with each winter spring must and will follow.  Spring is the most fragrant season and each time it comes around it is sweeter than the last.

xo,
M