A while back, my then 3 year old, ran up to me, cusp her little hands around my face and said, "I want to be just like you! Only YOU!" I smiled and told her I loved her and on the inside I was resisting an incredible urge to scream. Why? I asked myself that same question. Why would the thought of my daughter wanting to emulate me scare the living shit out of me? The answer is simple and yet so very complex. I know I am a good mother. I feed her, bathe her, read her stories, and make sure she looks both ways when we cross the street. Then why the fear?
Over the last couple of years I have trudged through so many family patterns and sifted through so many limiting beliefs. Those lovely treasures deserve their own blog entry. :) One of the things I learned through this cleansing period was that, as souls having a human experience, we function out of two emotions. Love and fear. When we are bubbling over with joy we are functioning out of love. And when we are snapping at that crazy driver on the road we are coming from a space of fear. At any given moment we have the choice to transmute that fear to love. I realized that my insecurities as a mother came from my fear of inadequacy and unworthiness. These voices of conditioning had me believing that I was an awful and cranky mama and that I was unworthy of a life free from this fear. I didn't believe that I was a woman worthy of imitation. I had chosen to believe this bullshit for far to long. And that's precisely what it was: a choice. I chose to believe it! I then had a thought. If I was able to choose to believe the negative why couldn't I just choose to believe the truth of my nature?
Over the next few months I aggressively and wholeheartedly woke up each day choosing to step into my beautiful and graceful worthiness. I began with affirmations. Some days were more of a challenge than others. On those days, you know, the days where I wanted to run off with gypsies? Those are the days I repeated my affirmations through clenched teeth. Those are the mornings that I counted my steps as my put one foot in front of the other. Those are the nights that ended with a shot of Scotch and a vow to start over tomorrow. These are the days I look back on and come to the sobering realization that on those days my soul was doing its work. I give great thanks for these days. It was those days that brought me home to my truth. That I AM worthy. I AM a wonderful, cranky, loving, crazy, silly, over the top mother. I am a perfect example for my daughter. Because I'm perfect? Hell to the no! Because I am not. She sees my gypsy days and sees that mommy can feel rotten, but that I use tools to bring myself back to center. She sees my mistakes and knows that I am not perfect. She sees that I am a soul having a human experience. She sees that life isn't always peachy keen, but to cherish these days. They are the days that make the sun so much brighter and that of course the sun always comes back out. By watching me she is learning to relish in her own glorious worthiness. My daughter is my teacher and I will forever be grateful.
xo,
M
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