Last night my husband and I watched the premiere of Grey's Anatomy. The episode highlighted the fictional story of a mom who drove her 2 children off of a balcony causing a series of catastrophic events. As we watched we saw each character scream the obvious question: "What kind of mother could do that to her children?!" Of course the mother in the story line had an underlying issue. She had a tumor on her pancreas that was causing anxiety, irrational behavior, etc. It got me thinking. Thinking about motherhood. The joys and the heartache. While this particular story was fictional the reality is this kind of thing is happening in our world and it is very serious. So I pose the question again. What kind of mother resorts to harming her children?
I remember sitting with my husband one evening after a particularly rough day with my daughter. I remember looking at him and crying. I opened my mouth and told him that I hated her. I hated my daughter. As soon as I heard the words come out of my mouth I gasped. I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to utter such a proclamation. And in that moment I felt like I had channeled every mother who had found themselves faced with the unimaginable. Even if it was simply a fraction of what was really going on. In that moment I had compassion. My husband got upset with me wondering how I could say such a thing about my daugher. I responded, "You know those women that you hear about on Dateline who drown their children in the bathtub? They didn't feel safe telling anyone that they hated their children." What I was trying to communicate with my husband was that I was struggling. I was exhausted. I was frustrated. I was afraid. Afraid that I was screwing my kid up. Did I really hate her in that moment? No. I hated what she was bringing up in me. My insecurities. I think in that moment he also understood and held space and compassion for these misunderstood women. Please don't misuderstand what I am trying to convey here. I realize that women who find themselves in these tragic situations did not end up there because they simply had a bad day. I realize that there are deeper matters going on. And just like in the episode there are always underlying events and circumstances that each of us as mothers are facing. I guess the point that I am trying to convey is that I feel that as women we need to hold space for one another. We need to hold each mother in a space of compassion and grace. We need to support one another on our journey's of motherhood. We need to make one another feel safe. I feel so thankful to have such a support system. Being a mom is hard. Let me explain. Feeding my daugher, making sure she is clean or making sure she looks both ways before crossing the street is the easy part. The daunting part is raising her to be a functional human in this world. As moms it is our job to make sure that they feel safe and happy in this world. It is our duty to make sure that they have a foundation that is unshakable so that when they venture out on their own they feel confident, independent and excited to start their own journey. I don't know about you, but sometimes that really scares the shit out of me. Some days I wonder if I myself should venture out and find a world class therapist present on her 18th birthday. :) The truth is we are all doing the best that we can. Even on the days when you look at them, with bags under your eyes, and wonder if you are doing right by them. Or God forbid you look at them and wonder why you chose to be a mom. I know I have felt that way sometimes. These tiny humans are our greatest teachers. Some days I welcome the lessons my daughter as to teach me and other days I want to run in the opposite direction kicking and screaming. Our children do not come with manuals. And you can't find step by step directions on Google, Pinterest or YouTube. I know. I've checked. Please tell me I am not the only mother who has typed the words, "how to make sure your kid is happy" into the search engine. ;) I share my thoughts with you in hopes that one mother (or father) doesn't feel alone on the path we call parenting. I want you to know that I would never judge you for thinking about running off with gypsies. I may ask to accompany you, but I would never judge you. My heart aches for the woman who feels she has no other option but to do something tragic. My heart has compassion on her. I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her that she is wonderful and that she is safe. I may be bold in saying that and someone may look at me and say that I don't understand. And that is my point. We don't understand what these women are going through. I choose to see the good in all souls having a human experience. I choose to believe in a world where love has the final word. I do know for certain that I love my daughter and sometimes I really don't like her. What kind of mother would feel that? The kind of mother that is doing the very best navigating her way through motherhood. The kind of mother that lets love and compassion be what lights her way through the blindspots. We are all this breed of Mom. And our children are so blessed by this kind of mother. She will be who they look to on the days when they struggle finding their place in this world. The world desperately needs that kind of mother. Much love my friends.
xo,
M
