to the mom with the screaming child at target

This afternoon I had to make a Target run for toilet paper and other essentials. As I was leaving I hit up the Starbucks to grab a much needed caffeine fix. In front of me was a beautiful mother with 2 children. One looked to be around 7 and the other was a baby. Before I continue I must note this woman's stoic bravery for stepping into this establishment with children. With baby on hip she reached down under her cart to retrieve her purse. I swear this was some crazy acrobatic move that you would only see at the circus. I was impressed. I ordered my coffee and moved out of the line to wait for my elixir. While we waited she received a phone call from someone who I can only assume was her husband. As she attempted to have an adult conversation with this man her children started acting up. I overheard her quickly say, "Nevermind, bye." She received her drink and I could hear her baby wailing off in the distance as they continued on with their day. The woman who was behind me in line looked at me and nervously laughed and said, "That was awkward wasn't it?" I smiled and said, "Oh not at all. I am a mom and I totally get it." I bid the woman farewell and as I left this mother stayed in my memory and on my heart all afternoon. I decided to write her (and all mamas really) a letter...

To the woman with the screaming child at Target,

You have been on my heart. I too am a mother and the last time I took my daughter into Target with me she smacked a stranger's ass. So I want you to know that I was encouraged by your presence this afternoon. I now know that I am not the only mom who walks into that store full of hope and leave feeling completely defeated. Sometimes as a mom I feel like people don't really see me. They see my unruly child and swiftly make judgements about my parenting choices. Of course that is only my perception. So I want you know that I see you. I see you dressed in your yoga pants and no make up and I want you to know that you are beautiful. I see you pick up your Venti Egg Nog frappuccino and I know from personal experience that you ordered that size because you have children that will undoubtedly ask for some and you will probably only enjoy 5 sips of it. I hear you on the phone with your husband and as quick as you answer you have to hang up. You are such a great wife for taking the call because you know your children are not the only humans that need you. I see you lovingly interact with your busy little girl while you quietly soothe your crying baby. You have the patience of Job. I watch as you hurry off all the while attempting not to make eye contact with another human so as not to see the look of judgement as you pass by. I want you to know that I have been where you are. I have made that walk of shame too many times to count. You need to know that I do not judge you. I am in awe of you. You taught me a valuable lesson today. You reminded me that we are all doing the best we can and we all need a kind face smiling back at us. Just maybe we will look into that individuals eyes and see our beautiful reflection mirrored back to us. You reminded me that as moms we are our worst critic. We need to stop that. We are raising children to be functioning humans in this world and that is no easy task. As I watched you with your babies I witnessed the pure grace and messiness that is motherhood. You also reminded me that there should never be any shame in being a mom and God forbid shame when our children (and they will) act like an untamed beast in public. Their breakdowns have nothing to do with how well we are parenting. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that their breakdowns are proof of our unconditional love for them. They know that no matter how poorly they act we will get frustrated, but their is no fit that could change the love we have for them. I also am frightened of children who never throw fits in public from time to time. That is just not normal. :) I end this letter thanking you. Thank you for reminding me of my humaness and that my struggles has a mom have no bearing on my capabilities. You are amazing and your children are so blessed that you are their mama. You are strong and brave. You are nurturing and patient. I saw myself in you today and what I saw was an extraordinary soul. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Our silent interaction today was anything, but awkward. It was enlightening and empowering. Just thought you needed to know that.

Signed,
A fellow mom who has been known to hide in the dressing room at Target

The power of grace.

 Allow me the space to speak candidly for a few moments. Today was not a calm day in the Lanphere home. The day started rough and continued to be one battle after another. It was a day where I simply wanted to pull the sheets up over my head and hide. I would love to tell you that I was able to extend grace and hold space for each soul that seemed to be on the enemy line. But I did not. I was irrational and angry. In fact, I wanted to be angry. I didn't want to rise above and see the lessons that my angels were clearly gifting me with. I dug my heals in the ground and stood firmly grounded in my misery. Today was a day where I allowed my ego to take charge and ever so brazenly scream "Fuck it". Fuck choosing love. Fuck being a conscious and awakened soul. Just fuck it all. Who wants to be some enlightened hippie cook-a-loo anyways. Yes, my ego was a special breed of bitch today.

Grace. It's a funny thing. The word alone invokes within me an emotion that I don't think I could ever eloquently express. Grace is powerful. Far more powerful than my Jekyll and Hyde complex. In the midst of my horrible, rotten day my angels still saw it fit to gift me with little gifts of grace. Which really are not little by any stretch of the imagination. My angels sent to me a lovely soul on Vine (a social media app that allows individuals to make 6 second videos) who in 6 seconds reminded me how beautiful I am simply because I am breathing. I wept. And then just a few short hours later my 18 year old sister called me to "check in" because she heard I was having a shitty day. I cried. Again. Or how could I forget the angel boy at the post office who flashed me his mega watt smile as he awkwardly fumbled down the sidewalk? As I type I see his face in my memory and the tears stream down my face. And just when I thought my angels had sent me enough grace I begrudginly took my daughter to her dance class where I laughed with other moms who have become my friends. And because I believe my angels have a sense of humor I left with a box of chocolate truffles that I completely forgot I purchased for a fundraiser. That's how grace works. It's always present, but I truly believe that on the days when my personal grace bank is closed  my angels send me these grace gifts to refill and replenish my soul. To remind me that choosing love is right. And that to become an awakened and enlightened soul I am gifted these days as a lesson. A lesson in grace. As I contemplate the events of my messy day I am reminded that I am a soul having a human experience and these days are to be celebrated. These are the days that my soul is doing its most important work. As I lay my head down tonight I will give thanks for the angels that were sent to me in human form and I will wake up tomorrow filled with the grace of God and have a go at the fresh start before me. Grace. It will change your life. You have to simply allow to crash into you. And when you do you will be forever changed.

Signed,
Your favorite cook-a-loo hippie (I wouldn't want it to be any other way)