Yesterday I, along with a friend, took my daughter to see "Cinderella". Along with the gorgeous setting and extravagant costumes, the movie itself brought with it some beautiful lessons. We all know the story of Cinderella. I think my favorite line from this cinematic gem was when Cinderella met the Prince for the first time. They were discussing their trades and he asked her if the people she worked for treated her with kindness. Her response was epic. She said, "They treat me as kind as they are able." Beauty and love permeated from the truth of her words. As magic transformed a pumpkin into a magnificent carriage I pondered the subtle truth of Cinderella's words.
We coexist in a world with so many different types of people. We do life with loved ones who are so so very unique. We all have experienced someone in our life is who is blatantly cruel. Whether it be a fellow driver on the road, a beloved family member or heaven forbid we ourselves have been guilty of being cruel to someone we have all experienced this heartache and often times are left feeling betrayed, resentful and angry. What I have learned through these afflictions of the soul are that how people treat us have nothing to do with us. Always. So yes, when I am angry with my husband for something I am seeing myself in him. And what I see I don't like. So I react out of fear. These people to most would be considered brutal and unlovable. I believe these are the souls that need the most love and the most grace extended to them. For they are not unlovable. They are loving at the only capacity that they are able. We don't know what life has handed them. We must hold space for them in hopes that just maybe through our smile or kind word they will see a part of themselves that has been hidden by an emotional wall that they themselves have built as a way of protection. We must always choose love over fear. It's not always easy. Some days I don't know where the strength will come from, but what I do know for sure is that kindness and compassion always wins. Everyone in this beautiful life deserves to feel this love. When we have the courage to love miracles happen. It has the ability to break through the hardest of hearts and what is left is an open heart that is ready to be filled with pure grace and light. This unconditional love is magic. Not only will it help the soul of one who is struggling it will leave the soul of the giver altered. For when you are the one in need of this unmerited favor you will remember the moment that you were extended compassion and you will once again be reminded of the power of the simple truth that we are all doing the best that we can navigating our way through this life and that good resides in all souls. It will bring you home to the truth of your nature. You are good. So good. You are worthy. You are kind. We all are. Even the woman who cursed at me on the road today. She is someone's daughter. She is someone's friend. She may even be someone's wife or mother. And I am sure she is the light in their life. I saw her light today. I smiled as I passed by her. I did this because I hope to receive that same empathy the next time I snarl at someone on the road. And I will. Wayne Dyer says, "Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love, and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine." Truer words have never been spoken. As Cinderella's young mother was dying she asked Cinderella to promise to have courage, to be kind and to always believe in magic. For I think being kind is the most magically courageous thing we could ever do in this life. Let us never tire of extending this gentleness. When we do will create a world where kindness will always reside and that is pure magic. Let us believe in this kind of world!
xo,
M
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Saturday, January 31, 2015
motherhood: did i loose my manual?
Last night my husband and I watched the premiere of Grey's Anatomy. The episode highlighted the fictional story of a mom who drove her 2 children off of a balcony causing a series of catastrophic events. As we watched we saw each character scream the obvious question: "What kind of mother could do that to her children?!" Of course the mother in the story line had an underlying issue. She had a tumor on her pancreas that was causing anxiety, irrational behavior, etc. It got me thinking. Thinking about motherhood. The joys and the heartache. While this particular story was fictional the reality is this kind of thing is happening in our world and it is very serious. So I pose the question again. What kind of mother resorts to harming her children?
I remember sitting with my husband one evening after a particularly rough day with my daughter. I remember looking at him and crying. I opened my mouth and told him that I hated her. I hated my daughter. As soon as I heard the words come out of my mouth I gasped. I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to utter such a proclamation. And in that moment I felt like I had channeled every mother who had found themselves faced with the unimaginable. Even if it was simply a fraction of what was really going on. In that moment I had compassion. My husband got upset with me wondering how I could say such a thing about my daugher. I responded, "You know those women that you hear about on Dateline who drown their children in the bathtub? They didn't feel safe telling anyone that they hated their children." What I was trying to communicate with my husband was that I was struggling. I was exhausted. I was frustrated. I was afraid. Afraid that I was screwing my kid up. Did I really hate her in that moment? No. I hated what she was bringing up in me. My insecurities. I think in that moment he also understood and held space and compassion for these misunderstood women. Please don't misuderstand what I am trying to convey here. I realize that women who find themselves in these tragic situations did not end up there because they simply had a bad day. I realize that there are deeper matters going on. And just like in the episode there are always underlying events and circumstances that each of us as mothers are facing. I guess the point that I am trying to convey is that I feel that as women we need to hold space for one another. We need to hold each mother in a space of compassion and grace. We need to support one another on our journey's of motherhood. We need to make one another feel safe. I feel so thankful to have such a support system. Being a mom is hard. Let me explain. Feeding my daugher, making sure she is clean or making sure she looks both ways before crossing the street is the easy part. The daunting part is raising her to be a functional human in this world. As moms it is our job to make sure that they feel safe and happy in this world. It is our duty to make sure that they have a foundation that is unshakable so that when they venture out on their own they feel confident, independent and excited to start their own journey. I don't know about you, but sometimes that really scares the shit out of me. Some days I wonder if I myself should venture out and find a world class therapist present on her 18th birthday. :) The truth is we are all doing the best that we can. Even on the days when you look at them, with bags under your eyes, and wonder if you are doing right by them. Or God forbid you look at them and wonder why you chose to be a mom. I know I have felt that way sometimes. These tiny humans are our greatest teachers. Some days I welcome the lessons my daughter as to teach me and other days I want to run in the opposite direction kicking and screaming. Our children do not come with manuals. And you can't find step by step directions on Google, Pinterest or YouTube. I know. I've checked. Please tell me I am not the only mother who has typed the words, "how to make sure your kid is happy" into the search engine. ;) I share my thoughts with you in hopes that one mother (or father) doesn't feel alone on the path we call parenting. I want you to know that I would never judge you for thinking about running off with gypsies. I may ask to accompany you, but I would never judge you. My heart aches for the woman who feels she has no other option but to do something tragic. My heart has compassion on her. I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her that she is wonderful and that she is safe. I may be bold in saying that and someone may look at me and say that I don't understand. And that is my point. We don't understand what these women are going through. I choose to see the good in all souls having a human experience. I choose to believe in a world where love has the final word. I do know for certain that I love my daughter and sometimes I really don't like her. What kind of mother would feel that? The kind of mother that is doing the very best navigating her way through motherhood. The kind of mother that lets love and compassion be what lights her way through the blindspots. We are all this breed of Mom. And our children are so blessed by this kind of mother. She will be who they look to on the days when they struggle finding their place in this world. The world desperately needs that kind of mother. Much love my friends.
xo,
M
I remember sitting with my husband one evening after a particularly rough day with my daughter. I remember looking at him and crying. I opened my mouth and told him that I hated her. I hated my daughter. As soon as I heard the words come out of my mouth I gasped. I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to utter such a proclamation. And in that moment I felt like I had channeled every mother who had found themselves faced with the unimaginable. Even if it was simply a fraction of what was really going on. In that moment I had compassion. My husband got upset with me wondering how I could say such a thing about my daugher. I responded, "You know those women that you hear about on Dateline who drown their children in the bathtub? They didn't feel safe telling anyone that they hated their children." What I was trying to communicate with my husband was that I was struggling. I was exhausted. I was frustrated. I was afraid. Afraid that I was screwing my kid up. Did I really hate her in that moment? No. I hated what she was bringing up in me. My insecurities. I think in that moment he also understood and held space and compassion for these misunderstood women. Please don't misuderstand what I am trying to convey here. I realize that women who find themselves in these tragic situations did not end up there because they simply had a bad day. I realize that there are deeper matters going on. And just like in the episode there are always underlying events and circumstances that each of us as mothers are facing. I guess the point that I am trying to convey is that I feel that as women we need to hold space for one another. We need to hold each mother in a space of compassion and grace. We need to support one another on our journey's of motherhood. We need to make one another feel safe. I feel so thankful to have such a support system. Being a mom is hard. Let me explain. Feeding my daugher, making sure she is clean or making sure she looks both ways before crossing the street is the easy part. The daunting part is raising her to be a functional human in this world. As moms it is our job to make sure that they feel safe and happy in this world. It is our duty to make sure that they have a foundation that is unshakable so that when they venture out on their own they feel confident, independent and excited to start their own journey. I don't know about you, but sometimes that really scares the shit out of me. Some days I wonder if I myself should venture out and find a world class therapist present on her 18th birthday. :) The truth is we are all doing the best that we can. Even on the days when you look at them, with bags under your eyes, and wonder if you are doing right by them. Or God forbid you look at them and wonder why you chose to be a mom. I know I have felt that way sometimes. These tiny humans are our greatest teachers. Some days I welcome the lessons my daughter as to teach me and other days I want to run in the opposite direction kicking and screaming. Our children do not come with manuals. And you can't find step by step directions on Google, Pinterest or YouTube. I know. I've checked. Please tell me I am not the only mother who has typed the words, "how to make sure your kid is happy" into the search engine. ;) I share my thoughts with you in hopes that one mother (or father) doesn't feel alone on the path we call parenting. I want you to know that I would never judge you for thinking about running off with gypsies. I may ask to accompany you, but I would never judge you. My heart aches for the woman who feels she has no other option but to do something tragic. My heart has compassion on her. I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her that she is wonderful and that she is safe. I may be bold in saying that and someone may look at me and say that I don't understand. And that is my point. We don't understand what these women are going through. I choose to see the good in all souls having a human experience. I choose to believe in a world where love has the final word. I do know for certain that I love my daughter and sometimes I really don't like her. What kind of mother would feel that? The kind of mother that is doing the very best navigating her way through motherhood. The kind of mother that lets love and compassion be what lights her way through the blindspots. We are all this breed of Mom. And our children are so blessed by this kind of mother. She will be who they look to on the days when they struggle finding their place in this world. The world desperately needs that kind of mother. Much love my friends.
xo,
M
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
to the mom with the screaming child at target
This afternoon I had to make a Target run for toilet paper and other essentials. As I was leaving I hit up the Starbucks to grab a much needed caffeine fix. In front of me was a beautiful mother with 2 children. One looked to be around 7 and the other was a baby. Before I continue I must note this woman's stoic bravery for stepping into this establishment with children. With baby on hip she reached down under her cart to retrieve her purse. I swear this was some crazy acrobatic move that you would only see at the circus. I was impressed. I ordered my coffee and moved out of the line to wait for my elixir. While we waited she received a phone call from someone who I can only assume was her husband. As she attempted to have an adult conversation with this man her children started acting up. I overheard her quickly say, "Nevermind, bye." She received her drink and I could hear her baby wailing off in the distance as they continued on with their day. The woman who was behind me in line looked at me and nervously laughed and said, "That was awkward wasn't it?" I smiled and said, "Oh not at all. I am a mom and I totally get it." I bid the woman farewell and as I left this mother stayed in my memory and on my heart all afternoon. I decided to write her (and all mamas really) a letter...
To the woman with the screaming child at Target,
You have been on my heart. I too am a mother and the last time I took my daughter into Target with me she smacked a stranger's ass. So I want you to know that I was encouraged by your presence this afternoon. I now know that I am not the only mom who walks into that store full of hope and leave feeling completely defeated. Sometimes as a mom I feel like people don't really see me. They see my unruly child and swiftly make judgements about my parenting choices. Of course that is only my perception. So I want you know that I see you. I see you dressed in your yoga pants and no make up and I want you to know that you are beautiful. I see you pick up your Venti Egg Nog frappuccino and I know from personal experience that you ordered that size because you have children that will undoubtedly ask for some and you will probably only enjoy 5 sips of it. I hear you on the phone with your husband and as quick as you answer you have to hang up. You are such a great wife for taking the call because you know your children are not the only humans that need you. I see you lovingly interact with your busy little girl while you quietly soothe your crying baby. You have the patience of Job. I watch as you hurry off all the while attempting not to make eye contact with another human so as not to see the look of judgement as you pass by. I want you to know that I have been where you are. I have made that walk of shame too many times to count. You need to know that I do not judge you. I am in awe of you. You taught me a valuable lesson today. You reminded me that we are all doing the best we can and we all need a kind face smiling back at us. Just maybe we will look into that individuals eyes and see our beautiful reflection mirrored back to us. You reminded me that as moms we are our worst critic. We need to stop that. We are raising children to be functioning humans in this world and that is no easy task. As I watched you with your babies I witnessed the pure grace and messiness that is motherhood. You also reminded me that there should never be any shame in being a mom and God forbid shame when our children (and they will) act like an untamed beast in public. Their breakdowns have nothing to do with how well we are parenting. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that their breakdowns are proof of our unconditional love for them. They know that no matter how poorly they act we will get frustrated, but their is no fit that could change the love we have for them. I also am frightened of children who never throw fits in public from time to time. That is just not normal. :) I end this letter thanking you. Thank you for reminding me of my humaness and that my struggles has a mom have no bearing on my capabilities. You are amazing and your children are so blessed that you are their mama. You are strong and brave. You are nurturing and patient. I saw myself in you today and what I saw was an extraordinary soul. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Our silent interaction today was anything, but awkward. It was enlightening and empowering. Just thought you needed to know that.
Signed,
A fellow mom who has been known to hide in the dressing room at Target
To the woman with the screaming child at Target,
You have been on my heart. I too am a mother and the last time I took my daughter into Target with me she smacked a stranger's ass. So I want you to know that I was encouraged by your presence this afternoon. I now know that I am not the only mom who walks into that store full of hope and leave feeling completely defeated. Sometimes as a mom I feel like people don't really see me. They see my unruly child and swiftly make judgements about my parenting choices. Of course that is only my perception. So I want you know that I see you. I see you dressed in your yoga pants and no make up and I want you to know that you are beautiful. I see you pick up your Venti Egg Nog frappuccino and I know from personal experience that you ordered that size because you have children that will undoubtedly ask for some and you will probably only enjoy 5 sips of it. I hear you on the phone with your husband and as quick as you answer you have to hang up. You are such a great wife for taking the call because you know your children are not the only humans that need you. I see you lovingly interact with your busy little girl while you quietly soothe your crying baby. You have the patience of Job. I watch as you hurry off all the while attempting not to make eye contact with another human so as not to see the look of judgement as you pass by. I want you to know that I have been where you are. I have made that walk of shame too many times to count. You need to know that I do not judge you. I am in awe of you. You taught me a valuable lesson today. You reminded me that we are all doing the best we can and we all need a kind face smiling back at us. Just maybe we will look into that individuals eyes and see our beautiful reflection mirrored back to us. You reminded me that as moms we are our worst critic. We need to stop that. We are raising children to be functioning humans in this world and that is no easy task. As I watched you with your babies I witnessed the pure grace and messiness that is motherhood. You also reminded me that there should never be any shame in being a mom and God forbid shame when our children (and they will) act like an untamed beast in public. Their breakdowns have nothing to do with how well we are parenting. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that their breakdowns are proof of our unconditional love for them. They know that no matter how poorly they act we will get frustrated, but their is no fit that could change the love we have for them. I also am frightened of children who never throw fits in public from time to time. That is just not normal. :) I end this letter thanking you. Thank you for reminding me of my humaness and that my struggles has a mom have no bearing on my capabilities. You are amazing and your children are so blessed that you are their mama. You are strong and brave. You are nurturing and patient. I saw myself in you today and what I saw was an extraordinary soul. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Our silent interaction today was anything, but awkward. It was enlightening and empowering. Just thought you needed to know that.
Signed,
A fellow mom who has been known to hide in the dressing room at Target
Thursday, December 4, 2014
The power of grace.
Allow me the space to speak candidly for a few moments. Today was not a calm day in the Lanphere home. The day started rough and continued to be one battle after another. It was a day where I simply wanted to pull the sheets up over my head and hide. I would love to tell you that I was able to extend grace and hold space for each soul that seemed to be on the enemy line. But I did not. I was irrational and angry. In fact, I wanted to be angry. I didn't want to rise above and see the lessons that my angels were clearly gifting me with. I dug my heals in the ground and stood firmly grounded in my misery. Today was a day where I allowed my ego to take charge and ever so brazenly scream "Fuck it". Fuck choosing love. Fuck being a conscious and awakened soul. Just fuck it all. Who wants to be some enlightened hippie cook-a-loo anyways. Yes, my ego was a special breed of bitch today.
Grace. It's a funny thing. The word alone invokes within me an emotion that I don't think I could ever eloquently express. Grace is powerful. Far more powerful than my Jekyll and Hyde complex. In the midst of my horrible, rotten day my angels still saw it fit to gift me with little gifts of grace. Which really are not little by any stretch of the imagination. My angels sent to me a lovely soul on Vine (a social media app that allows individuals to make 6 second videos) who in 6 seconds reminded me how beautiful I am simply because I am breathing. I wept. And then just a few short hours later my 18 year old sister called me to "check in" because she heard I was having a shitty day. I cried. Again. Or how could I forget the angel boy at the post office who flashed me his mega watt smile as he awkwardly fumbled down the sidewalk? As I type I see his face in my memory and the tears stream down my face. And just when I thought my angels had sent me enough grace I begrudginly took my daughter to her dance class where I laughed with other moms who have become my friends. And because I believe my angels have a sense of humor I left with a box of chocolate truffles that I completely forgot I purchased for a fundraiser. That's how grace works. It's always present, but I truly believe that on the days when my personal grace bank is closed my angels send me these grace gifts to refill and replenish my soul. To remind me that choosing love is right. And that to become an awakened and enlightened soul I am gifted these days as a lesson. A lesson in grace. As I contemplate the events of my messy day I am reminded that I am a soul having a human experience and these days are to be celebrated. These are the days that my soul is doing its most important work. As I lay my head down tonight I will give thanks for the angels that were sent to me in human form and I will wake up tomorrow filled with the grace of God and have a go at the fresh start before me. Grace. It will change your life. You have to simply allow to crash into you. And when you do you will be forever changed.
Signed,
Your favorite cook-a-loo hippie (I wouldn't want it to be any other way)
Grace. It's a funny thing. The word alone invokes within me an emotion that I don't think I could ever eloquently express. Grace is powerful. Far more powerful than my Jekyll and Hyde complex. In the midst of my horrible, rotten day my angels still saw it fit to gift me with little gifts of grace. Which really are not little by any stretch of the imagination. My angels sent to me a lovely soul on Vine (a social media app that allows individuals to make 6 second videos) who in 6 seconds reminded me how beautiful I am simply because I am breathing. I wept. And then just a few short hours later my 18 year old sister called me to "check in" because she heard I was having a shitty day. I cried. Again. Or how could I forget the angel boy at the post office who flashed me his mega watt smile as he awkwardly fumbled down the sidewalk? As I type I see his face in my memory and the tears stream down my face. And just when I thought my angels had sent me enough grace I begrudginly took my daughter to her dance class where I laughed with other moms who have become my friends. And because I believe my angels have a sense of humor I left with a box of chocolate truffles that I completely forgot I purchased for a fundraiser. That's how grace works. It's always present, but I truly believe that on the days when my personal grace bank is closed my angels send me these grace gifts to refill and replenish my soul. To remind me that choosing love is right. And that to become an awakened and enlightened soul I am gifted these days as a lesson. A lesson in grace. As I contemplate the events of my messy day I am reminded that I am a soul having a human experience and these days are to be celebrated. These are the days that my soul is doing its most important work. As I lay my head down tonight I will give thanks for the angels that were sent to me in human form and I will wake up tomorrow filled with the grace of God and have a go at the fresh start before me. Grace. It will change your life. You have to simply allow to crash into you. And when you do you will be forever changed.
Signed,
Your favorite cook-a-loo hippie (I wouldn't want it to be any other way)
Sunday, November 9, 2014
8 things to do for yourself
Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognized yourself? I have. Don't get me wrong. I know it's me when I look in the mirror. I guess what I am trying to say is that when I look at myself in the mirror I recognize myself as Peyton's mom, Jack's wife, step mom, daughter, friend, and sister. Those things are a part of me, but they are not who I am. As mom's I think we get so accumstomed to hearing everyone else's names for us that we forget who we were before someone started calling us "Mom" or "Babe". What did I do for fun? What did I do for myself? What inspired me? As moms it is so important that we care for ourselves first. There's a couple reasons why. First, how can we expect to care for our families when we continually put everyone else first? Eventually we will become frumpy, burnt out and bitchy. That doesn't serve us and it certainly doesn't serve our family. I am hear to tell you that it is ok and completely acceptable to love yourself ladies. I mean really love yourself. Secondly, every time we put ourselves first we are teaching our daughters about the importance of self care which will eventually aide in her finding a partner who will honor her by encouraging her to love herself. If you have young boys in your home you are educating them on how important the feminine spirit is and that it is to be loved and cherished. A couple years ago I made the decision to put myself first. It was the best decision I have ever made. I am going to share with you goddesses a list of things that I have made a personal spiritual practice. On the days that I want to run off with gypsies or take an Italian lovah these are the things that ground me. Obviously I am being silly about the gypsies and the gorgeous international man. :) What's life about if we can't be completely and recklessly funny, right? ;)
1. Take baths. I love taking baths. Especially with bubbles and candles. Go all out! They have become a nightly ritual. And even on occasion I pour myself a glass of something that requires an ID when you purchase it. When I have had a day where I feel like running down the street screaming whilst removing all my clothes like a crazed woman I choose Scotch. And when I have had a day where everything goes smoothly and my daughter is the picture perfect child and I greet my husband (dressed and with my face on) I pour myself a smooth glass of red wine. :) If you are not comfortable drinking alcohol a cup of hot tea will do the trick also. There's something therapeutic about water. It seems to have the ability to wash away whatever is ailing me in that moment.
2. Make time for your girls. I love getting together with my friends. They have become like sisters to me. We have a certain camaraderie. Maybe because we are all moms and wives or maybe it's simply because we are all doing the best we can navigating our way through this journey called life. Either way there is something so naturally healing about spending time with other women. We encourage one another. We support one another. We hold each other accountable and most importantly we are silly with one another. When we go out we dress up and make a big to do about our evening. We go from yoga pants by day to fashion divas by night. There is something powerful about a woman who feels sexy. And when you put all of those women in one room? Wowza. That's all I can say. :)
3. Do something reckless with your man. We are moms. But first we are wives. Without these strong and masculine humans we wouldn't be mothers. Honor that. I know its a such a difficult thing to find balance with this. Trust me. I get it. We wear so many hats during the day and it can be a challenge to switch from the mom hat to the sweet and caring wife hat. Lets be real. Sometimes we just don't want to put that hat on. We are exhausted emotionally and physically most of the time. But rest assured when you do you will realize that this man wants you to fall into his arms and be vulnerable. He knows how hard you work and wants to be that soft place for you to run too. If your husband is like mine he is not very verbal with his praise and accolades, but when you feel the warmth of his arms around you will hear all those unspoken words. Recently my husband and I celebrated our 7th anniversary. We went to dinner and then we proceeded to a local tattoo parlor where I got my nose pierced. It was so fun! We also like to binge watch shows on Netflix. Whatever you do have fun! Be silly. Remember why you fell in love in the first place. It will be what drives you on the rough days.
4. Run. I love running. I realize not everyone does. Find something that you love to do. Whether its yoga, hiking, pilates, weight lifting, walking, or swimming find something that makes you feel alive. Exercise has taught me to trust my body. It has taught me to put one put in front of the other. It has taught me how strong I am. It's a way that I connect to God. It's my therapy. I have found that no matter how hard I pound the pavement is very forgiving. Listen to your heart and where it guides you when it comes to exercise. It won't steer you wrong.
5. Make affirmations. This is something that has become very near and dear to my heart. Get an index card and whatever you choose to write make sure that they are always affirming. Whatever your dreams for yourself are write the affirmation in such a way that states that you are coming from your dream and not going to it. For example if you want to be a more healthy individual you would write something like "I am so happy and grateful that I am healthy" or "I am health". "I AM" are the two most powerful words in the English language so we must be ever so careful what we attach to them. Make these words your mantras. Repeat them daily. Morning and night. You will be amazed at how a few words can turn your whole day around. You will go from stating, "Please don't let my kill these children" or "Please don't let me bury my husband in the back yard" to "I am love. I am patient." It's amazing what the power of positive thinking can do for your soul.
6. Throw a fit. Sometimes a bitch fit is a complete and utter necessity. If you have to cry, do it. And if one of these episodes just so happens to occur in the presence of your children do not feel guilty. If I can stress one thing it is this. It is so healthy that our children see that we are not perfect. Life can be stressful and our children see that we have the strength to be real and the courage to continue on. I believe that perfection is an epidemic in our society. It serves no one whatsoever. As women we need to stop striving for perfection and start striving to be real and honest with where we are at. Life can be hard. Life can be messy. And even in the midst of all of it life is still so beautiful. Our children will thrive on our authenticity. Most importantly be gentle on yourself. Someone once said, "Behind every great kid is a mom who thinks she is screwing them up." I don't recall who said that, but it really resonates with me. I hope it does for you too.
7. Be grateful. This is something that as I type I know this is my biggest struggle. I am guilty of playing the role of a victim a lot. Before your feet hit the ground in the morning make a mental list of 5 things that you are grateful for. Whether its the fact that you slept through the whole night without having to go pee or that you have steel cut oats waiting for you in the fridge it doesn't matter. I have learned that gratitude is the key to unlock the door for all of our dreams to be manifested. It makes space for abundance to come crashing into your life. Life is happening for us not to us. At some point in your day take a moment to check in with your soul and make another list. End your day this way too. Miracles happen when you do this. I promise.
8. Dream. This is the last thing that I will share with you. I love being a wife and I love being a mom. But it is not all I want to do with my life. I did not go to college. One of my dreams is to go back to college and get my degree. I would like to be a sex and relationship therapist. We are not just moms. We are women. We all have dreams. Imagine who you want to be outside of your children. It is ok do that. It is not selfish. Have drive. Dream big. Find out what inspires you and work on making that dream a reality.
I hope this list made you laugh and most of all I hope it stirred your soul. I hope that you realize how incredible life is and how amazing you are. Take a moment and put your hand on you heart. You feel that? You are worthy. You are Divine. Being a mom and a wife can be a challenge at times and most of the time it is completely rewarding. It teaches us how strong we are. It teaches us to rely on others. Put yourself first ladies. You deserve it. And so does your family. You are incredible. Don't you ever forget that. Sending you all so much love.
xo,
M
2. Make time for your girls. I love getting together with my friends. They have become like sisters to me. We have a certain camaraderie. Maybe because we are all moms and wives or maybe it's simply because we are all doing the best we can navigating our way through this journey called life. Either way there is something so naturally healing about spending time with other women. We encourage one another. We support one another. We hold each other accountable and most importantly we are silly with one another. When we go out we dress up and make a big to do about our evening. We go from yoga pants by day to fashion divas by night. There is something powerful about a woman who feels sexy. And when you put all of those women in one room? Wowza. That's all I can say. :)
3. Do something reckless with your man. We are moms. But first we are wives. Without these strong and masculine humans we wouldn't be mothers. Honor that. I know its a such a difficult thing to find balance with this. Trust me. I get it. We wear so many hats during the day and it can be a challenge to switch from the mom hat to the sweet and caring wife hat. Lets be real. Sometimes we just don't want to put that hat on. We are exhausted emotionally and physically most of the time. But rest assured when you do you will realize that this man wants you to fall into his arms and be vulnerable. He knows how hard you work and wants to be that soft place for you to run too. If your husband is like mine he is not very verbal with his praise and accolades, but when you feel the warmth of his arms around you will hear all those unspoken words. Recently my husband and I celebrated our 7th anniversary. We went to dinner and then we proceeded to a local tattoo parlor where I got my nose pierced. It was so fun! We also like to binge watch shows on Netflix. Whatever you do have fun! Be silly. Remember why you fell in love in the first place. It will be what drives you on the rough days.
4. Run. I love running. I realize not everyone does. Find something that you love to do. Whether its yoga, hiking, pilates, weight lifting, walking, or swimming find something that makes you feel alive. Exercise has taught me to trust my body. It has taught me to put one put in front of the other. It has taught me how strong I am. It's a way that I connect to God. It's my therapy. I have found that no matter how hard I pound the pavement is very forgiving. Listen to your heart and where it guides you when it comes to exercise. It won't steer you wrong.
5. Make affirmations. This is something that has become very near and dear to my heart. Get an index card and whatever you choose to write make sure that they are always affirming. Whatever your dreams for yourself are write the affirmation in such a way that states that you are coming from your dream and not going to it. For example if you want to be a more healthy individual you would write something like "I am so happy and grateful that I am healthy" or "I am health". "I AM" are the two most powerful words in the English language so we must be ever so careful what we attach to them. Make these words your mantras. Repeat them daily. Morning and night. You will be amazed at how a few words can turn your whole day around. You will go from stating, "Please don't let my kill these children" or "Please don't let me bury my husband in the back yard" to "I am love. I am patient." It's amazing what the power of positive thinking can do for your soul.
6. Throw a fit. Sometimes a bitch fit is a complete and utter necessity. If you have to cry, do it. And if one of these episodes just so happens to occur in the presence of your children do not feel guilty. If I can stress one thing it is this. It is so healthy that our children see that we are not perfect. Life can be stressful and our children see that we have the strength to be real and the courage to continue on. I believe that perfection is an epidemic in our society. It serves no one whatsoever. As women we need to stop striving for perfection and start striving to be real and honest with where we are at. Life can be hard. Life can be messy. And even in the midst of all of it life is still so beautiful. Our children will thrive on our authenticity. Most importantly be gentle on yourself. Someone once said, "Behind every great kid is a mom who thinks she is screwing them up." I don't recall who said that, but it really resonates with me. I hope it does for you too.
7. Be grateful. This is something that as I type I know this is my biggest struggle. I am guilty of playing the role of a victim a lot. Before your feet hit the ground in the morning make a mental list of 5 things that you are grateful for. Whether its the fact that you slept through the whole night without having to go pee or that you have steel cut oats waiting for you in the fridge it doesn't matter. I have learned that gratitude is the key to unlock the door for all of our dreams to be manifested. It makes space for abundance to come crashing into your life. Life is happening for us not to us. At some point in your day take a moment to check in with your soul and make another list. End your day this way too. Miracles happen when you do this. I promise.
8. Dream. This is the last thing that I will share with you. I love being a wife and I love being a mom. But it is not all I want to do with my life. I did not go to college. One of my dreams is to go back to college and get my degree. I would like to be a sex and relationship therapist. We are not just moms. We are women. We all have dreams. Imagine who you want to be outside of your children. It is ok do that. It is not selfish. Have drive. Dream big. Find out what inspires you and work on making that dream a reality.
I hope this list made you laugh and most of all I hope it stirred your soul. I hope that you realize how incredible life is and how amazing you are. Take a moment and put your hand on you heart. You feel that? You are worthy. You are Divine. Being a mom and a wife can be a challenge at times and most of the time it is completely rewarding. It teaches us how strong we are. It teaches us to rely on others. Put yourself first ladies. You deserve it. And so does your family. You are incredible. Don't you ever forget that. Sending you all so much love.
xo,
M
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
The day my father died....
Growing up I never imagined a life without both my mother and father in it. As a young child I imagined how my life would be. I would get married, have children and enjoy family dinners and holidays with my children's grandparents. I imagined what my parents would be like as "Grandma" and "Grandpa". So when my father died at the age of 52 it threw a wrench in my well thought out plan. I was 21 years of age and had only been married 5 short months. How could this happen? I had envisioned the future for so long and now I was trading family gatherings for a gathering of some sort with a funeral coordinator.
My dad died on a chilly day in October. Halloween to be exact. I was picking my step children up from football practice when I received the phone call that no 21 year old bride would ever expect to get. The man on the other side of the phone informed me that my father was in critical condition at St. Bernadine's hospital. I started to cry thinking how this could be happening when I was supposed to be taking my children to a harvest festival for Halloween. I pleaded with the man to give me more information. He simply told me that was the only information that he could offer and that I needed to get to the hospital immediatley. I swiftly made arrangements for the boys and proceeded to the hospital with my husband. When we arrived the receptionist led me down a white hallway that seemed to go on for miles. When we got to the end of the hallway she proceeded to lead us into a "special" waiting room for families. Growing up with a mother who worked with terminally ill children I knew what this room represented. I refused to enter. To this day I do not know how my sweet husband persuaded me to walk in. But there I found myself sitting in a cold room on an incredibly hard chair wondering if my father was alive. The doctor and his team arrived a few minutes later. Truth be told it felt like hours. He sat down and just looked at me. He was silent for a minute and I thought that considering how long he was taking to speak and the amount of people he brought with him maybe he was mute. So I asked, "Is he alive or not?" He then replied, "No Mrs. Lanphere. We did everything we could, but we could not save your father. He suffered a massive myocardial infarction." Considering my deep commitment to the television show "ER" I knew that was the medical term for a heart attack. In that moment I was hoping I was dreaming and I would wake up with a vague memory of George Clooney in a white coat wandering through a television set. But it was not a dream. It was a nightmare. A nightmare that I never imagined could be a reality. I didn't even get to say goodbye. How was I going to tell my 17 year old sister. How was I going to tell my mother, who although she was not with my father, had nearly spent 25 years with this man and that she would never see him again. I was paralyzed. Eventually I was able to move. Only by a supernatural force. My husband took me home and the next month was spent going through a lifetime of memories and mounds of paperwork. As I laid my father to rest I buried my soul.
My experience over the months that followed my father's death is personal and I have shared it with few people. Growing up my mother did the very best that she could with the rescources she was given. We lived in a home that if we were sad we were put on medication. Antidepressants were all she knew and she didnt want to see me in pain. I can't fault her for that. I had never truly navigated through a negative experience without the aide of a substance. I was not fully aware of the journey that I was about to embark on, but I knew that I wanted to truly feel it. I told my husband of my plans and that at some point I would come to him and beg him to take me to the doctor and get a prescription. I informed him that no matter how desperate I was he was to not let that happen.
My first panic attack happened while I was watching American Idol. I thought I was dying. I could hear the contestants trail off in the distance as I quite literally crawled up the stairs to our bedroom. I couldn't breath. It felt like ice was coarsing through my veins and the walls around me were closing in. Jack followed me upstairs and met me with a cool rag. He placed it on my forehead and helped me find my center. Once calm I fell asleep to have it all start over the next morning and weeks after that. I went from being a happy and carefree spirit to one who lived in constant fear of dying. I was afraid to drive and I was deathly afraid to be alone. My husband became my chauffer and whenever he left the house I went with him. This went on for months. It was hard on my husband and yet he never left my side. I became isolated and depressed. I didn't want to live. The pain and anguish was unbearable. This was no way to live. Who was going to save me from this horrible pit that I was in?
As I surrendered to the idea that I was going to live the rest of my life in between anxiety attacks something happened. I became pregnant. We weren't even trying. I was then struck with even more panic. I was in no way ready to bring a child into the hell that I was living. As I let this news of new life sink in I realized I had 2 choices. I could continue to let fear control my life or I could pull myself up by my bootstraps and work through my shit. It wasn't just about me anymore. I chose to work through my shit. For my husband, for my unborn child and for myself. My baby was just the inspiration that I needed to find myself again. She was the motivating force, but I had to do the work. I had to be the one to save myself. No one could do that for me, but me. I woke up early one morning to take my dog out. As I looked up at the sunrise I realized something extraordinary had happened. The sun had returned. As I felt the warmth of the morning I felt hopeful. I felt alive for the first time in months. I had learned something invaluable through my despair. I learned to just be. I learned to just feel. Really feel. I learned to let the grief wash over me like rain. I still had rough days, but when those days came I knew that I would be okay. My feelings were what saved me. They taught me how strong I am. They taught me to let others in and help me. I started to face my fears one by one. I realized that being alone was not something to be afraid of. In learning to be alone I found my soul. I became friends with my soul. My soul was my biggest fan.
It will be 7 years that my dad made his exit from this world and looking back over these years I can see how clearly Divine my experience was and that I had a host of angels guiding me through it all. I have learned more about faith in these years. Faith in God, faith in my angels and most importantly faith in myself. My dad is not gone. His soul is very much alive and I believe him to be my most special angel who guides me and protects me. I give great thanks for this experience. It was through my father's death that I was born. Truly born to live the life that I was meant to live. Which, in my opinion, far exceeds any vision I could have ever imagined for myself. I love you Dad.
xo,
M
This is how I will remember my Dad. Carefree and laughing. :)
Saturday, September 20, 2014
The Toothless Pilot
Growing up I was painfully shy. Besides being bashful I was afraid of everything. I was the little girl hiding behind my mother's legs. I declined so many childhood adventures because of my fear. To give you some insight into my trepidations I will share with you one experience in my childhood where I let fear take the drivers seat. My parents decided to get me involved in a tap class. I suppose they thought that it would boost my confidence. I cried the entire way there. Every week. I pleaded with my mother to stay at the studio. Truth be told the only way she could get me so stay was to be in the studio. I still ended up quitting. As I got older my fears seemed to subside a little and I was able to coach myself through them. They were always there though. In fact they were audible. I desired to be brave. I wanted to be able to go to sleepovers with my friends and not let my fear cripple me. I wanted to be adventurous. Each time I thought that I could the voice in my head told me to be cautious. I might hurt myself, I might get laughed at, I might fail, or I might not be good enough.
So it was only natural that a firecracker soul chose me to be her mommy. I am firm believer that our souls make sacred contracts with one another. Who can say why certain souls cross our paths and what they are there to teach us. I do know that without a shadow of a doubt my daughter was sent me to help me heal. To heal the parts of myself that I allowed the voices of conditioning to convince me that life was something to be feared. Fear is not in her vocabulary. At the age of 5 she has mastered the art of throwing caution to the wind. This afternoon I watched as my husband strapped her into a helicopter seat. I traced the smile on her face as he placed the head phones on her ears. I looked into her eyes and saw the simplistic joy of living in the moment. As I watched them take off she looked over at me with a grin from ear to ear and waved at me. Tears started to well up in my eyes as I watched them fade into the distance. I could not even fathom doing that at her age and here she was, my toothless daughter begging to fly with her daddy. And then I realized in that moment that it happened again. Her bravery allowed me the space to walk through another fear. The fear of losing my child. I was completely out of control. I wanted to tell her no that she could not go or that I had to accompany her. I knew that if I allowed my fear to control the events of today it might have single handedly altered the way she viewed life. That she was not safe. That she couldn't trust her daddy or her angels. As I viewed the ship circle the airport I felt a shift inside my soul. I felt confident! I felt ecstatic for her to be given that opportunity. I felt empowered. I felt safe and Divinely protected.
When they landed I gazed at my firecracker barreling down the runway toward me. I greeted her sweaty body with open arms and I looked at her and said, "D!!! I am so proud of you. You inspire me and I want to be just like you!" She looked at me and said, "Can I go again???" Her zest for life and desire to learn is something I give great thanks for and aspire to emulate. Sometimes I feel like she is the parent and I am the child. I suppose thats what parenting is all about. Bringing to light the things that needs healing in us. Teaching us how strong and brave we really are. Educating us on the joys of living in the moment. And most importantly trusting that life is happening FOR us and not to us. I am forever grateful to my toothless angel for helping me find my wings so I could fly.
xo,
M
So it was only natural that a firecracker soul chose me to be her mommy. I am firm believer that our souls make sacred contracts with one another. Who can say why certain souls cross our paths and what they are there to teach us. I do know that without a shadow of a doubt my daughter was sent me to help me heal. To heal the parts of myself that I allowed the voices of conditioning to convince me that life was something to be feared. Fear is not in her vocabulary. At the age of 5 she has mastered the art of throwing caution to the wind. This afternoon I watched as my husband strapped her into a helicopter seat. I traced the smile on her face as he placed the head phones on her ears. I looked into her eyes and saw the simplistic joy of living in the moment. As I watched them take off she looked over at me with a grin from ear to ear and waved at me. Tears started to well up in my eyes as I watched them fade into the distance. I could not even fathom doing that at her age and here she was, my toothless daughter begging to fly with her daddy. And then I realized in that moment that it happened again. Her bravery allowed me the space to walk through another fear. The fear of losing my child. I was completely out of control. I wanted to tell her no that she could not go or that I had to accompany her. I knew that if I allowed my fear to control the events of today it might have single handedly altered the way she viewed life. That she was not safe. That she couldn't trust her daddy or her angels. As I viewed the ship circle the airport I felt a shift inside my soul. I felt confident! I felt ecstatic for her to be given that opportunity. I felt empowered. I felt safe and Divinely protected.
When they landed I gazed at my firecracker barreling down the runway toward me. I greeted her sweaty body with open arms and I looked at her and said, "D!!! I am so proud of you. You inspire me and I want to be just like you!" She looked at me and said, "Can I go again???" Her zest for life and desire to learn is something I give great thanks for and aspire to emulate. Sometimes I feel like she is the parent and I am the child. I suppose thats what parenting is all about. Bringing to light the things that needs healing in us. Teaching us how strong and brave we really are. Educating us on the joys of living in the moment. And most importantly trusting that life is happening FOR us and not to us. I am forever grateful to my toothless angel for helping me find my wings so I could fly.
xo,
M
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