her and the ocean

To her, water was life. It was how she learned to breathe. While others found themselves drowning in the powerful riptide she found her strength. She became fluid. She had found her direction in the seemingly still current. With each deafening crash of waves she had learned to listen. For some the ocean was a place to drown out the repetitious and unruly thoughts of self doubt, but for her? For her the ocean was a place she went to awaken the thoughts of love and self assurance. The ocean was her home. As a girl she would stand in the shallow waters, plant her feet firmly in the sand and as the tide rolled in she curled her toes into the sand even further and allowed the water to crash right into her legs. It was in this moment that this little one had learned the art and power of standing still and finding balance.  In a world that was so uncertain and daunting she always knew that if she could find her way back to the ocean she would be ok. She would survive. She would become buoyant. And her worries would wash away and vanish. But what if she couldn't find her way

to the body of water that had rescued her so many times before? What would she do? Who would she become? Time had passed and she had grown older. She had seen heartache, death, new life, more death and more heartache. And even in the midst of those tumultuous days she saw love. She saw happiness. She saw bliss and she saw joy. She fondly remembered her time as a girl skipping and frolicking along the shore line. She returned once more in search of those feelings of balanced fluidity. And what she found shook her to the core. She had never left. For she was the thunderous, deafening, powerful force. She was the ocean. She was water. She was always the one who gave her Soul, her Higher Self direction. And with that recognition she was humbled. There was only one thing left to do. Float in the deep waters of gratitude. And so she did.

selfish is the new selfless

I have been meditating a lot on self care and self love and what it really means to my well being as a mother, as a wife and most importantly as a thriving and fulfilled individual. I am curious as to when society decided that it was considered selfish for a woman to put herself first. I know for certain that this notion dates back centuries. I remember watching my mother work tirelessly and often she would say how guilty she felt when she was tired. Guilty about what? Being human? Having limitations? It's completely preposterous and yet I find myself traveling down guilt road more times than I would care to admit. Mothering has become a frantic race. A race to get the laundry done, get your kids to school, (and if you home school put together the coolest and most in depth lessons...for your 7 year old), bake the most epic Pinterest inspired snack, clean, and cook all the while making sure your kid doesn't turn to a life of crime and prostitution. The list is endless. And then there is that human. The one you created these tiny humans with. They need you too. Our men depend on us in a completely different way. Our men need us in a way that is raw and visceral. Like the earth needs water. We wear so many hats that we have taken multi-tasking to a whole new level. And we still find ourselves in this predicament of being "on" all the time. Somewhere in history it was decided that it would serve our families best if we dedicated our entire being to these humans. Please don't misunderstand. I know and value the importance of our role as mothers. I know how much these souls need us. But I am also conscious of the significance of a woman wholly satisfied with her life. She is powerful. We need to step back and reevaluate these thoughts and patterns that have become a part of our very DNA. It is not selfish for us to put ourselves first. It is not selfish for us to find things that make us happy outside of our family. I love my husband and I love my daughter, but that is not enough for me. I yearn for a life outside of them. And what I  mean by that is that I have my own dreams and my own endeavors. And I believe the desire to spread my wings and my desire to be a root firmly planted can coincide. I also think that when we find that balance our family will thrive. Our husband's will be inspired. For we also know and appreciate the power of the inspired masculine spirit.  And our children will witness love in action.  By nature, the feminine spirit is intuitive and nurturing. As we care for others throughout the day (and night) we extend this gentle grace and we tune into that intuition to guide us. Let us turn this attention and intuitiveness inward. Let it guide us to the place in our soul that allows us to love these humans that have chosen us. The love of a mother is without condition and knows no limits. What if we showered ourselves with that love? I believe that when we realize that our happiness is everything we can turn around and give it all to the ones who mean everything to us. When we do this we will see a bunch of happy kids, inspired men and fulfilled women roaming the streets giving love away freely. Imagine a world like that. And it all began with a "selfish" woman. Go figure. ;)

body shaming is bullshit

How many women have gotten ready for the day, looked in the mirror, and thought, "Ugh. My hair is too straight." "My thighs are too big." "My boobs are too small." "My tummy is too squishy." "I have no ass." "I was the inspiration for 'Baby Got Back'." "My legs are too skinny". I am quite sure most women have gone to battle with the mirror a time or 2 and barely made it out unscathed. And how many times have we left our homes feeling like something that just crawled out of a slimy swamp only to arrive at our planned destination and have a friend compliment us and we go from feeling like the Loch Ness Monster to feeling like a runway model. I know I have been guilty of this. But why do we do this? Why do we look to others for affirmation?

Body shaming has become an epidemic in our society. For ALL shapes and sizes. If a woman is petite in nature she is too skinny and looks like a boy. If a woman has curves she is fat and must not take care of herself. If she is dedicated to fitness she is obsessed and doesn't know how to enjoy real food. Or worse. She is not feminine. It's exhausting and yet we don't stop thumbing through magazines and our Pinterest boards are full of the latest workouts and fashion trends. There is nothing wrong with any of those things. Please don't misunderstand me. I love fashion, I love working out, and I love a good glass of Cabernet and the latest issue of Vogue. I just think we need to do some soul work and ask ourselves why we are doing these things. Does it make our heart sing or are we tirelessly trying to meet society's standards for beauty? 

We talk about our pant sizes like we are quoting Scripture. I know I do it. When I speak with other women about my weight loss journey and they ask how much I have lost I say, "Well I went from a size 16 to a size 10". I am done with that shit. From now on I will say, "I went from being a size sexy to a size sexy". We as women must start a new movement. We must start loving ourselves. Really loving ourselves. Why? Because we are worthy. SO worthy. We are beautiful. SO beautiful. We are sexy. SO sexy. We are strong. SO strong. Why? Because we are women and we are Divine. Our bodies and weight do not make us sexy. The heart that lies within those bodies is what makes us sexy. Let us rid ourselves from the negativity of body shaming and instead let us #bodysurrender. Let us stop fighting the need for perfection and surrender to our beauty. Let us surrender to our curves. Let us surrender to our petite physique. Let us surrender to our muscular strength. Let us surrender to our light. Let us surrender to our shadow. Let us surrender to caring for our bodies and let us treat them like glorious temples. Let us be ever mindful of what we fill them with. Let us surrender to supporting each other as women and as individuals. And finally, let us surrender to the unparalleled honor of being a perfectly imperfect woman. Our daughters need this kind of woman. Our sons need this kind of woman. Our partners need this kind of woman. Our mother's need this kind of woman. Our soul's need this kind of woman. It is this woman that will call forth the love that resides in each one of our souls. It is this love that will change the world. And most importantly it will change the woman. Much love gorgeous goddesses!

***This picture was taken 5 minutes ago. I am surrendering to my squishy tummy (and the janky messy room). I love my tummy. This tummy housed my baby for 9 months. Those hips brought that baby into this world. And on the days that I struggle with shaming myself (because I am sure I will still have those days) I will let those feelings wash over me like rain and take with it the feelings of self doubt and what will be left in its place is Divine love and only love. 

xo,

M 

what yoga has taught me

Exercise has always been a point of contention in my life. I was the girl who would conviently forget her PE clothes and have to sit out for that period. As I watched my peers excel at physical education I would get frustrated and I resigned myself to the fact that I just wasn't athletic. As I have gotten older I now realize that the reason I loathed exercise was because I had never found something that I truly loved. That made me feel alive. I discovered that running did that for me. I am a firm believer that every thing we do in our life holds invaluable lessons for us to learn. Running taught me the power of being present, and to put one foot in front of the other. It taught me to be in tune to my body and to allow the rhythm of my heartbeat to guide me. Those lessons allowed me to approach daily life in a whole new way. Specifically the rough days. Instead of frantically moving from one minute to the next I found myself trusting that if I put one foot in front of the other I would naturally and gently find my stride. And I did every time. Some days I would literally count my steps as I walked. It became a mantra of sorts. I was ever mindful of my thoughts and how my body reacted to those thoughts. Running opened my heart to the idea that exercise could be fun and if running was so invigorating there had to be other ways to move my body that would make my heart sing.

I recently have taken up yoga. Yoga. I must be honest and tell you that when I heard that word I didn't think the practice could teach me anything. I mean what I would I learn from downward facing dog anyways. It sounded like a kinky sexual position. Which, if you know me you know I am all about that sort of thing. I just didn't see the spiritual relevance or if yoga had the ability to even teach me anything about life. I mean what is a Shavasana and why is it also called "Corpse Pose"? No, yoga certainly couldn't teach me anything about life. The first yoga video I did was one I found on YouTube. The teacher was Travis Eliot and he was leading everyone through what I learned was Yin Yoga. I was hooked. I was amazed at how open I felt after. Open to receiving all the love and abundance life has to offer me. I started researching about the practice and in my studying I found that Travis offered an Ultimate Yogi DVD set. I purchased it and thus began my practice. My spiritual practice. I knew after one YouTube video that this practice would change my life. I have been practicing yoga for a couple months now and the lessons I been gifted with are beautiful. I have learned to breathe through each pose with grace and focus. I have learned that if I keep breathing through the discomfort it will completely move through me and vanish. I think as humans we often times forget to breathe. When stress arises we tend to hold our breath and in holding our breath we hold onto the very stress that is causing us so much discomfort. Yoga has taught me that breathing through discomfort is like a reset button. I have the ability to start over every time.

I have a burning desire to learn and to apply my lessons to my life. Yoga once again did that for me just today. I moved through an intense cardio vinyasa flow and as each class does we ended in Shavasana. Corpse pose. Travis Eliot is so eloquent with his words. I have done this particular video a handful of times and today I really absorbed something he said. He said, "let the floor ground you." I had a thought. I grew up with the idea that when we fail or are broken open through tragedy we fall. We fall hard and it hurts. Just as if you literally tripped and the ground broke your fall. It hurts. But what if instead of the ground breaking your fall it caught you? What if it held you? What if life caught you? What if we trusted that life would be there to hold us up when we couldn't possibly imagine standing on our own two feet? What if life held us and kept us safe? I have learned that life does just that. Life is happening for us not to us. The Universe delights in our happiness and it weeps when our heart aches. If I can impart any wisdom it is this fact. We are so loved and so Divinely held and protected. I have learned most of my lessons while in Corpse Pose. It's as if each time I get on my mat apart of me dies and a new part of my soul is being born. Old patterns and limiting beliefs fade away and new wisdom and grace take their place. Physically I may not be an all star athlete, but my soul? Oh my darlings, my soul? My soul is a badass and is being conditioned and stretched beyond imagination. It is strong and vitalty courses through my veins. Words cannot express how strong I feel. In body, mind and soul. And to this I owe all my gratitude to the Shavasana pose. Who would have thought the "Corpse Pose" could teach me what it means to live. Really live! Namaste my loves.

xo,
M

a few lessons i have learned

In a couple of weeks I will be celebrating my 29th year on this earth. I remember as a child I felt like the time in between each year felt like centuries and now that my last year in my twenties quickly approaches I chuckle at that thought. I also find the humor in the fact that as a wee one I never imagined myself being 29. Isn't that funny? I knew people in their 20's, but I just never thought that I would make it there. I forged my way here and through my journey on this earth I have learned so many invaluable lessons. Some learned through circumstance, others learned from those that loved me a long the way, but most of these lessons I learned were from my mistakes and poor decisions that seemed brilliant at the time. I would like to share 29 lessons I have learned while being here. I also want to let you know that I have not fully committed to listing only 29. ;)

1. The word "old" should be removed from the English language. I remember as a child thinking that 30 was sooooooooo old. So naturally that left my folks with the title of "Crypt Keeper". Age is more a state of mind than it is a number. If you see yourself as a senile, feeble, ill person that is what you will be. But if you see yourself as a young and vibrant soul that is exactly what will ooze from your very youthful pores. :)

2. The sun always comes back out. Every storm is followed by the glorious warmth of sunshine. Always. "This too shall pass" has become a mantra of hope in my home. I know that whatever I am going through I have faith knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that I just need to surrender, let go and learn my lessons. When I resist the lessons it's much harder and they always show up in another way to make sure that I learn them. :) It is much easier to just surrender from the get go. That is one of those lessons I learned the hard way.

3. Take the time to wash your face every night. If your eyes aren't glued shut and you are able to actually pry them open you will look at yourself and wonder if you belong on the set of the "Hangover" movie.

4. Cry. Writhe. Shriek. Scream. Throw a fit. Someone once said, "Tears are lubrication for the soul." It is so important that we release negative emotions. If we do not these emotions will take over our health. My father lived his entire life with a broken heart. His heart was so very broken. He quieted the pain at the expense of his liver. He died of a massive heart attack at the YOUNG and VIBRANT age of 52. Pay attention to your emotions. They are there to teach you and guide you. Let it all out often. With puffy eyes you will see clearly. You will feel renewed.

5. Overalls should be outlawed. FOREVER. If you are curious about this statement please ask. I would love to share the story.

6. Since we are talking about fashion ALL of the jelly shoes should be burned. And if anyone purchases them they should be forced to wear overalls and only overalls for 2 weeks. If you are curious please refer to #5.

7. Declutter often. I love decluttering. I love organizing. Is it because I am OCD? No. Well, maybe just a little. This simple act is my way of showing gratitude for all the things that I have been blessed with. When I clear my home I am also creating space for more abundance!

8. Do NOT. I repeat DO NOT fall asleep hunched over your toilet for 3 hours because you're drunk. If you do happen to do this and wake up the next morning sore rest assured that you are not having a heart attack. YOU ARE BRUISED. Friendly tip from one of my best friends: If you are so drunk that you feel the sleepies waging war on your body find a sweatshirt that you can roll up and place under your chest.

9.  Indulge in self love. You are worthy. Do something you love. Find out what inspires you and do it. On purpose!

10. We all have a guardian angel and a host of other angels watching over us and guiding us. We simply just have to invoke their help and they will show up. Every time.

11. Eat what makes you happy. If meal time becomes boring and you don't like what you are eating that is not good for you! If we cook our food at home we can pretty much enjoy to eat whatever we want. I am sure most people will disagree with this idea. I believe energy affects us. If we are happy and elated to eat mashed potatoes our body will be happy. Simple as that.

12. Be naked. I love being naked. I have learned to love the bumpy, stretch marked, curves of my body. I am a woman! No one is like me. My body birthed and fed a child. My body is sensual and nurturing all at the same time. My body is powerful! I encourage each of you to strip down and bare it all! And walk your hot ass over to the mirror and check yourself out!

13. Be confident!

14. Look inside. All the love and acceptance that we seek from others is already in us. We simply have to look. We are powerful and Divine.

15. Meditate. Spend 15 minutes every day in quiet. Shut your eyes and focus on your breath. As you breathe in let your belly fill with air and on the out breath let it contract. Be slow and deliberate with this. Clear your mind and be aware of the sensations in your body. Let them wash over you and if you find yourself wondering about the open bag of stale chips in the back of your cupboard that may or may not have aided in the creation of a large family of rats return to your breath. :)

16. While having sex in the ocean seems like a completely sexy and romantic idea it is not. NEWSFLASH: There is still sand in the water. This lesson is brought to you by one of those times that the thought of having sex in the ocean was a brilliant idea.

17. Choose love over fear. And love fiercely!

18. Don't be afraid of anchovies! They are a lovely replacement of salt in so many recipes! Make friends with the anchovy.

19. Cook without a recipe.

20. LOVE is love. Be authentic with who you love. This life is short. Fill it with the people who love you for your crazy beautiful self!

21. If you are in a committed relationship with another soul you will understand that they will drive you bat shit crazy from time to time. Sometimes on a daily basis. What I have learned is that I am on my own journey and my partner is on his own journey. I must hold space for him and let him learn at the pace that he is able. For if I try to control it he will lose his power. I desire to be a source of inspiration and empowerment for my husband.

22. Do yin yoga. If you don't know what it is Google that shit.

23. Make love to everything to do in this life.

24. Bless your inner child. Don't ever forget about her/him. Look to her for inspiration. Look to him for the simplistic joy of living in the now.

25. Laugh and do it often. Be silly. Dance to Taylor Swift in the parking lot of Trader Joe's. Roll all the windows down and just "Shake it Off'.

26. Make affirmations.

27. If your find a pair of jeans that make your ass look like someone should eat chocolate off of it buy those damn things in every color! Feel good in your clothes! If you like it wear it.

28. I hate bras and I loathe underwear. So I don't wear them. It's more than that for me though. It makes me aware of my body. And I have learned how so very important that is.

29. Be happy. No matter what the energy is like around you we have the power to be happy. It is our birthright! We deserve all the wonderful things this beautiful life has to offer! There is enough goodness to go around for everyone! Move in love and grace and like I have said before miracles happen!

Almost 29 and couldn't be more excited!

xo,

M

Have courage. Be kind. Believe in Magic.

Yesterday I, along with a friend, took my daughter to see "Cinderella". Along with the gorgeous setting and extravagant costumes, the movie itself brought with it some beautiful lessons. We all know the story of Cinderella. I think my favorite line from this cinematic gem was when Cinderella met the Prince for the first time. They were discussing their trades and he asked her if the people she worked for treated her with kindness. Her response was epic. She said, "They treat me as kind as they are able." Beauty and love permeated from the truth of her words. As magic transformed a pumpkin into a magnificent carriage I pondered the subtle truth of Cinderella's words.

We coexist in a world with so many different types of people. We do life with loved ones who are so so very unique. We all have experienced someone in our life is who is blatantly cruel. Whether it be a fellow driver on the road, a beloved family member or heaven forbid we ourselves have been guilty of being cruel to someone we have all experienced this heartache and often times are left feeling betrayed, resentful and angry. What I have learned through these afflictions of the soul are that how people treat us have nothing to do with us. Always. So yes, when I am angry with my husband for something I am seeing myself in him. And what I see I don't like. So I react out of fear. These people to most would be considered brutal and unlovable. I believe these are the souls that need the most love and the most grace extended to them. For they are not unlovable. They are loving at the only capacity that they are able. We don't know what life has handed them. We must hold space for them in hopes that just maybe through our smile or kind word they will see a part of themselves that has been hidden by an emotional wall that they themselves have built as a way of protection. We must always choose love over fear. It's not always easy. Some days I don't know where the strength will come from, but what I do know for sure is that kindness and compassion always wins. Everyone in this beautiful life deserves to feel this love. When we have the courage to love miracles happen. It has the ability to break through the hardest of hearts and what is left is an open heart that is ready to be filled with pure grace and light. This unconditional love is magic. Not only will it help the soul of one who is struggling it will leave the soul of the giver altered. For when you are the one in need of this unmerited favor you will remember the moment that you were extended compassion and you will once again be reminded of the power of the simple truth that we are all doing the best that we can navigating our way through this life and that good resides in all souls. It will bring you home to the truth of your nature. You are good. So good. You are worthy. You are kind. We all are. Even the woman who cursed at me on the road today. She is someone's daughter. She is someone's friend. She may even be someone's wife or mother. And I am sure she is the light in their life. I saw her light today. I smiled as I passed by her. I did this because I hope to receive that same empathy the next time I snarl at someone on the road.  And I will. Wayne Dyer says, "Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love, and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine." Truer words have never been spoken. As Cinderella's young mother was dying she asked Cinderella to promise to have courage, to be kind and to always believe in magic. For I think being kind is the most magically courageous thing we could ever do in this life. Let us never tire of extending this gentleness. When we do will create a world where kindness will always reside and that is pure magic. Let us believe in this kind of world!

xo,
M

motherhood: did i loose my manual?

Last night my husband and I watched the premiere of Grey's Anatomy. The episode highlighted the fictional story of a mom who drove her 2 children off of a balcony causing a series of catastrophic events. As we watched we saw each character scream the obvious question: "What kind of mother could do that to her children?!" Of course the mother in the story line had an underlying issue. She had a tumor on her pancreas that was causing anxiety, irrational behavior, etc. It got me thinking. Thinking about motherhood. The joys and the heartache. While this particular story was fictional the reality is this kind of thing is happening in our world and it is very serious. So I pose the question again. What kind of mother resorts to harming her children?

I remember sitting with my husband one evening after a particularly rough day with my daughter. I remember looking at him and crying. I opened my mouth and told him that I hated her. I hated my daughter. As soon as I heard the words come out of my mouth I gasped. I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to utter such a proclamation. And in that moment I felt like I had channeled every mother who had found themselves faced with the  unimaginable. Even if it was simply a fraction of what was really going on. In that moment I had compassion. My husband got upset with me wondering how I could say such a thing about my daugher. I responded, "You know those women that you hear about on Dateline who drown their children in the bathtub? They didn't feel safe telling anyone that they hated their children." What I was trying to communicate with my husband was that I was struggling. I was exhausted. I was frustrated. I was afraid. Afraid that I was screwing my kid up. Did I really hate her in that moment? No. I hated what she was bringing up in me. My insecurities. I think in that moment he also understood and held space and compassion for these misunderstood women. Please don't misuderstand what I am trying to convey here. I realize that women who find themselves in these tragic situations did not end up there because they simply had a bad day. I realize that there are deeper matters going on. And just like in the episode there are always underlying events and circumstances that each of us as mothers are facing. I guess the point that I am trying to convey is that I feel that as women we need to hold space for one another. We need to hold each mother in a space of compassion and grace. We need to support one another on our journey's of motherhood. We need to make one another feel safe. I feel so thankful to have such a support system. Being a mom is hard. Let me explain. Feeding my daugher, making sure she is clean or making sure she looks both ways before crossing the street is the easy part. The daunting part is raising her to be a functional human in this world. As moms it is our job to make sure that they feel safe and happy in this world. It is our duty to make sure that they have a foundation that is unshakable so that when they venture out on their own they feel confident, independent and excited to start their own journey. I don't know about you, but sometimes that really scares the shit out of me. Some days I wonder if I myself should venture out and find a world class therapist present on her 18th birthday. :) The truth is we are all doing the best that we can. Even on the days when you look at them, with bags under your eyes, and wonder if you are doing right by them. Or God forbid you look at them and wonder why you chose to be a mom. I know I have felt that way sometimes. These tiny humans are our greatest teachers. Some days I welcome the lessons my daughter as to teach me and other days I want to run in the opposite direction kicking and screaming. Our children do not come with manuals. And you can't find step by step directions on Google, Pinterest or YouTube. I know. I've checked. Please tell me I am not the only mother who has typed the words, "how to make sure your kid is happy" into the search engine. ;) I share my thoughts with you in hopes that one mother (or father) doesn't feel alone on the path we call parenting. I want you to know that I would never judge you for thinking about running off with gypsies. I may ask to accompany you, but I would never judge you. My heart aches for the woman who feels she has no other option but to do something tragic. My heart has compassion on her. I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her that she is wonderful and that she is safe. I may be bold in saying that and someone may look at me and say that I don't understand. And that is my point. We don't understand what these women are going through. I choose to see the good in all souls having a human experience. I choose to believe in a world where love has the final word. I do know for certain that I love my daughter and sometimes I really don't like her. What kind of mother would feel that? The kind of mother that is doing the very best navigating her way through motherhood. The kind of mother that lets love and compassion be what lights her way through the blindspots. We are all this breed of Mom. And our children are so blessed by this kind of mother. She will be who they look to on the days when they struggle finding their place in this world. The world desperately needs that kind of mother. Much love my friends.

xo,
M